Very Sad

Hai....looking at my result slips i can only feel more n more depress after each sem...
sian...There are ppl who are upset because they could not measure up to their peers,
there are those who could not meet their own expectations...
& ME? My result really cannot make it because it's worse than the 2 reasons above....
it's the sadness one will not understand if they got at least As & Bs....
I dun have low expectation of my studies....i tried my best...but it really seem beyond my control
i could just go crazy any time...

Sometimes i expect the grades i get...but then again...i dun wan them like Totally!
But when i noe how good my peers are it seem logical i get those grades...hai then again...
why? Never in my life i feel so helpless in my studies...Never...

but you noe what's the funny thing? I did not regret learning the things i did...i never really hated it with all my heart like i use to hate chinese when i was in primary sch...
I still enjoy my normal O & A'level maths...haha... i jus hate descriptions & paragraphs of words

I think another thing that has always add on to my misery is...i'm being too idealistic at times...
towards how my life should be...how my family, friends & love should be....
I dun expect them to meet my expectations...will be glad if it did...but i'll jus be sad & fustrated
at it...

I dun really cry...unlike my sis who can cry like a baby anytime she likes...
I cant really squeeze those tears..even when i am in great pain now...
haha...maybe if i bleed externally...maybe...like how i use to cry till i cant breathe when i hit my
head on the ground...

But to be overwhem by saddness n cry...i wish i could.... so much...

Some ppl gets attention without even putting in effort....like little Min Min...
she gets to choose who she wans to be carried with & play with...
Ppl of all kinds jus crowd around her jus cos she's too cute & noes how to act angelic...
haha...not fair sia...(some ppl grew up n still maintain those attention too)
Although i do not get her attention most of the time but i'm jus addicted to making her smile
cos it makes me smile :) She is a joy indeed...it becomes easy when you try to be energetic when
y're like super tired!

Hopefully those feelings wont fade with time when she grows up...

My poor HP

Hai...my k800i has been with me for 2 yrs plus going to three soon.... it's really starting to break down soon...i think...keep getting missed call sms from singtel n i dont seem to be able to receive msgs properly...like...some sort of time lapse....so frustrating...

Hai...was browsing the internet for some phones which i can consider....hopefully i can change my phone in next few months!! I was quite interested in SE c905...but is expensive, n some ppl wont like the bunky size...but...haha...k800 is is a little smaller...so not much of a difference...

It's hard to get something that is similar to my phone now...at a not so ex price!
I like my phone i have now...i dun wan to change if it doesnt die on me...
Dun wanna get a hp with specs worse than k800...haha... if not i wont be able to tolerate it!
I heard C905 might have Pink coloour! Yeah PINK! if it's out i think i'll be super duper tempted...

I'm jus lazy to bring my cam out sometimes...that's why i wanted a so called better cam phone...
N it has wifi too...it would be a good additional feature but haven got a chance to step into SE to test out the phone...

overall...i can only keep dreaming bout it...cos i got no money liao...after spending on Food & shoppin & my tennis lesson....hai....i need to save some how....prayin that miss k800i will be nice to me for the next few months...if not i'll go crazy!

Devil beside you

Hehe....after much raves bout the show devil beside you by Sl....i finally have time to watch it few days ago...although is like an old 偶像剧....it's quite a nice romance show.... although most of 偶像剧 has similar plots....n you can easily predict who will end up coupling together....but i think what makes the show interesting is the different kind of characters and how each couple eventually get together... well...devil beside you is not bad because it talks bout how the male is like a devil... he kind of being able to manipulate the feelings of his girlfriend...haha...but the girl still fall for him..
there is a mixture of sincerity and cruelty.... especially towards the last episode....maybe cause couldnt get over it thus...i'm writing bout it...haha

well....the scene could be not so sad or cruel if the bf is not casted as an devil... the decision to go overseas to stay with yr mom is not really a bad thing especially when you didnt really get to experience it well when you're younger.... but having to leave behind yr girlfriend...leaving her to wait endlessly is cruel.... it is not like the usual romance show which the male lead would say "please wait for me., i'll be back for you" type of show... more like "I'm the devil, what else can you expect?" which i thing would make females watching the show angry...haha...because you are the one stepping into my life then you wanna walk away like nothing happen...n there's nothing the gf could do....sad...sad...

so i was thinking....wah the scriptwriter so jue qing....haha... now how to plan the scene in which the gf can forgive the bf for saying or doing such things....too extreme liao... well they manage to make up...i think it's really that one sentence that the devil said which most gals will eventually forgive him....he said:"我有预感我会一辈子只喜欢你"... it is like... i cant expect or give you an answer when i'll be back...even if you fall in love with someone else...i know you will only be the one in my heart forever....so sweet! haha....

hmmm...this cause me to pause & think... is it possible to only love someone...only that someone for your entire life...even when the person is not with you liao??? isst realistic? but if someone is able to do so i think it's quite amazing....becos there must be something that the person hold on to....thus unable to forget to love....

this makes me think why some people could also come to hate those once they loved...friends or family...
i think is sad....

Love Songs!!

Recently my sis sent me this song! yeah!
I didnt really know the title of the song when i heard it years ago...
I like the chorus...the tune is simple but gives a special feeling....
I think partly is because of the singer...haha...she has a power full voice!

I will always love you

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

I'll be waiting...
I'm still waiting...

For that moment...

When i can understand complex & real analysis...
I'm going mad!

Are you musically inclined???

Hehe...I'm still up at 1plus am...bad....haha...here's a quick entry :)
came across this webby...well quite interesting to play with...
there are 4 test that you can do...to test on yr pitch, tone, rhythm and musical visualization...
haha...i did them....2 of them quite tough...haha... the tone & rhythm one...
haha...but i still managed to score above average or average...so it's still cool!

How i wish i could learn piano...hmmm...i think it is my greatest regret man!
so sad...haha...but now no time + money to learn...sian...

To be the king or the servant?

Are we always right? What is perspective? one's medicine could be the other's poison...
Do we really know what ppl ard us are actually thinking about...

Well, i think to me the ans is no....not matter how close you are to the person...
If you do...pls dun talk to the person...is there a need? since you could expect the next sentence...
is there pleasure in communicating anymore?

Do you feel upset when ppl's ideas dun seem to fit yours?
everyone has their own list of do's & don't's....
should we even expect others to think like us?
I really dun noe...i've tried...it always dun work...
mainly becos we close our ears & hearts more often then the train closes its doors

sometimes we assume/think/understand wad the other person is going thru...
we dun....it is true... we dun really understand...becos we dun go thru the pain...
different ppl go thru different 'pains' in their life...
whether it could be seen or not....is another thing...
we can be jealous or the other person's family, love life, intelligence, talents...
but we did not realise we have things the others do not have....

For someone who comes from a happy family...
it's hard to understand someone who feels betrayed my their close ones...
For someone who easily make friends & are easily accepted by ppl
it's hard to understand someone who has been betrayed/forsaken by friends...
For someone who was constantly loved & has a wonderful partner
it's hard to understand someone who suffers from loneliness...

But then, comforting with a sincere heart is a good tool to overwrite those "i do not understand" moments....

When can i closed my eyes and fade those judgements,
so that i could hear with my heart...
i must say...it's hard when yr heart is bleeding in pain...

To differentiate or integrate? you set the ans to yr own life!

We as humans love to integrate & differentiate so much...
Often, we would want to differentiate ourselves from others,
to show importance, to show authority? or to show just how special we can be...

In school, those frightening grades differentiates us...
classifying us into different levels of intelligence...so where did the joy of learning went?
woah...was it there before....i think so...
when we were still a baby? a kid trying to explore the unknowns...
with increasing knowledge, the joy ventures out further away...
so, to know or not to know?

How i wish i could treasure learning as much as i did in the past...

In the work place, those ranks/positions/salary....
those things starts to differentiate us again...
taking away not only joy, but interpersonal relationships
what happened to something call friendship?
Does it mean someone who hold a lower position is not as good as the ceo of the company?
we want to be unique,special...
but isst society constantly differentiating too much?
Didnt you know differentiating constants gives you zeros?
You will become nothing! not special!

When will this world starts integrating more love, concern and trust?
Other then all those integrating resorts with casinos that brings more harm than prosperity...
Didn't you know integration comes before differentiation?

maybe if only i could integrate more of those love & concern into lives of ppl around be...
maybe i could find joy that was there but not found...

To my dearest (Min Min)

Dear MinMin,

I hope you're be fine soon, I hope you can bear the pain you're going through and stay strong like you have always been...I'm missing you liao even though you're not here for only 1 day! I wish to see you grow, learn with you, meet challenges with you, listen to yr stories... but i'm afraid this relationship will fade away... Hopefully you would not forget the times we play together even after you grow up. Hopefully you will grow up to be a clever and filial gal and learn to share yr toys :)
I'm glad i get a chance to be involved in yr life becos yr're special to me :) you'll always be :)

Love,
Biao Yi

About growing older... aren't you afraid?

How i wish friendships could be kept safe forever....
Would two friends be able to become closer again when things has just faded away?
When suddenly,
Activities do not include you anymore,
when conversations do not include you anymore,
when words become piercing,
when meeting up becomes awkward,
when yr life do not include him/her anymore,
when the only feeling left was disappointment,
what can you do?
Should it be left alone?
Would a mother disregard her own child?
Would accumulated misunderstands ever be resolved?
Would people ever stop putting others down?
Would the pain that your love ones cast upon you ever be gone?
Would you bear the pain that someone has put you through without ever telling anyone?
Who would forget the evil/bad things done to you?
Can anyone forgive?

Never did i think so much or ask myself so much questions
But this year is not a good year at all...
For my studies and relationships... (which is wad i hold onto dearly)
I think there will never be ans to these questions...
Are these the burdens we have to bear when we reach adulthood??
Burdens where there are no solutions to?
Walking on a street with no one around could be great sometimes
although there is no one to hear your worries,
there are no one to create these worries...

Memories

Just Missing You

IMH no. 2 (thoughts for fun)

1. Sets can be open and closed at the same time...
2. Sets can be INFINITE and COUNTABLE at the same time...

Contradiction comes in when definitions are not read properly...
The reason: Mathematicians seems not to like the original meaning of words....LOL

IMH entry no. 1 (Was I going MAD series)

Wow it's been a while since i blog...
It's not tat bloggin became boring
but just didnt have the mood :(

Hmmm this few days have been thinking a lot again(hai, quite harmful indeed)
feeling tired of my life now...(not tired of living lah) more like feel exhausted...
It's good to be a kid man!!! seriously...because THE adults will protect/ prevent/ hide away the emotional troublesome & unsolvable problems...

Growing up is tiring, the burden increase whether you choose to ignore it or not! no human of a normal kaypo mind will be able to resist mental/relational/study problems, or more like a burden.
hai....I'm super emo + angry + easily agitated now.... i dun wan to but i dun understand why i am feeling this way so often....

easily i feel like scolding ppl...sian...feel like complaining
maybe i should have complain more in the past... releases my stress
but i understand complaining doesnt help to solve issues
AVOIDing & Ignoring off course would do either...
Hai, whysome ppl dun wanna listen out to wad other ppl say?
Not hearing with Ears, but with the HEart & Mind & soul?
Why do some ppl pretend to listen?
why some ppl dun show any interest?
why can someone cut you off/ pretend you dun exist?
when there is no sight, there is the heart that hears...
but when there is no sight, the tears that flows cannot be seen
quarrel happens when we fail to hear nor see, we fail to touch other's heart

Listening is tough, hard to learn skill
Listening builds a sense of belonging
Listening only to the 'Favourites' Kills that sense of belonging,
blocks the truth, lowers self esteem & make non favourites feel bad

Why is listening so difficult?
Becos That very own voice we have overpowers every little sound that enters our ear
Do all opinions have the same weight?
How does it feel to be shut out, ignore, feel unimportant?
ppl who had the luxury of attention would know tat while i suppose....

There is a gap between rational & real numbers
there is something call complex numbers...
Haha why do you thing they are being defined in this way
because... no matter how rational you can be, tryin to solve things in a rational way...
In the real world...relationships ppl are jus too complicated!

engineers analyse physical things
psychologist analyse behavior
doctors analyse the body
scientist analyse the smallest to biggest, seen or unseen
mathematicians analyse every Abituary object(things that doesnt really exist in the first place) in the world & make it related to the real world.

Why ppl go mad?
Cos... the mathematicans taught the engineers, psychologist, scientist and everyone in the world
to use assumption, contradiction and paraphrasing nonsense to make it sound reasonable.

so ppl cant get over the contradicting statements that sounded reasonable due to paraphrasing, which came from false assumptions!

P.S: if you could even finish this entry of unstable emotions, I must really applaud you for having the patient to organize my thoughts in appropriate sequence... Mathematicians sometimes dun really care about how the sequences are being added together...while unless you stated you want it to be in order.....HaHAHAHAHA!!!!!

HK reviews

A week has past since I came back...
Many feelings I have inside now...
This HK trip was one which was plan in excitement
Gone in anticipation
And back with Words that can never be used to describle

I enjoyed the new places I have seen and felt.
The Peak & Disney where the best places for me...
Because they were places which i could cast my burdens aside
The peak has smoothing views....peaceful, calm yet majestic
Disneyland was adventure, fantasy & imagination
I like the rows of shop houses looking street, it stirs imaginations
Like a kid passing through street full of sweets & toys

The rain in HK did kill some joy
& Ocean Park is forsaken...
That was painful :(
The food was a bit disappointing
We didn't have enough time to try everything
The ferry back from Macau was fun
It felt like mild roller coaster ")

What made me not want to go back is the ppl
not exactly the nicest ppl
This trip really tested my tolerance & patience
I really understand now how
different people can really be
different attitudes of life
different ways in handling things
& how indifferent ppl can become

I did not expect to learn so much
It felt like a better educational trip than
the geography trip i went in Sec 2...

P.S: no photos...reason: Wq has good cam with better pics which Ky uploaded...
no detailed description of what we did... reason: KY & WQ did a good job...

That's all....next anticipating place: 1.Japan(for grad?), 2. Bangkok(shopping),
3. Taiwan(Food), 4.Europe(for fun?)
Propose travelling partners: ppl who will enjoy the place & share joy with me :)

In the Dark

To tell or not to tell, To ask or not to ask

I sat in darkness
I stared upon the screen
everything was blind to me
except the screen that shines

The light seems like the only place
that displays the truth
the only place where my attention is

but in darkness
I was kept from the beauty of the room
The true picture I should see
things that might be moving i may not know
Things that were changing I do not know

To stay in the dark
or to walk towards the light
I have to choose
It seems like it's the best to stay put now
Till the appropriate time comes
to reveal the truth

In darkness I shall wait
till i see the light comes in my way...

Prawning again :)

Yo! veri tired today...caught a cold this morning...kind of got worse when i when prawning...haha cos there got fan... anyway few funny plus weird stuff happen :)

today is an interesting day....the prawns were harder to catch...
we didn't caught any large prawns only medium n small ones... total bout 12 of them..
weird situation 1:
I caught an prawn arm...lol...the prawn is like clamping against the fishing line la...so hard that i manage to pull it's arm out....ouch!!
weird situation 2:
Me & SL were prawning & notice that near the walls of the pond had a few prawns clinging on...
haha...i told SL we should try to scoop it using the net :)
Then someone did try...lol....
I tried too :) i caught 1 small prawn...haha...cheating...
weird situation 3:
SL caught a prawn by it's tail....lol...so funny when we realised it's not the tail that has pincers
but is the tail that is being hooked!!
Lastly...not weird but sad & angry!!
someone stole our basket of prawns when we were not looking!!!
In the end we didnt barbecue any prawns we gave the remaining 3 prawns away that we caught after the basket is lost...


Haha...next time ASG ppl should all go together!!

Tears are left hidden,
Sadness overwhelms me.
It's hard to lose,
It's even harder to gain,
I don't want to lose these precious memories.
I feel like weeping tonight,
To wash those sadness inside.
As i look back,
I fear,
there is no one left inside...

无奈

这种感觉越来越强了。
不断的无奈，让人不能呼吸。
以为如果迁就就会没事但。。。
不是失望，不是恨，也不是生气。。。
而是，伤心，无奈和无知
无奈的放弃，
无奈的离开，
对不起，
伤害了你。

不知你的感觉，
坚持我的自私，
对不起，
不想去想，
但我无法控制，
应为你们都是重要的。

‘感觉’ 像叶子飘落的好远，
一片一片的离我而去，
伤心，难过，只能无奈的守护者。

恨为什么体谅那么少，
无奈那么多，
累了，也放弃了。　

Baby Madness

Life with a baby at home can never be the same...LOL... it just gets noisier & funnier!!
Some nice home videos i took...

Video 1: Baby Chloe trying to smile...opps but that face is the weird face tat her mom taught her!!



Video 2: Baby Chloe likes to walk...but she doesn't noe how to crawl yet...LOL...N she likes to give saliva kisses to her parents...Now Look what she did to the floor :)



Video 3: Baby have bad mood these 2 days during the night cos of her teething problems :(... Baby gals do have PMS days too... lol... look at how loud she screams & her little fingers moves after every scream...LOL

しつれいします。。。

しつれいします。( I am entering..)
わたしは　グロリア　です。( I am Gloria)
わたしの　せいこは　すり　かがくです。(My major is mathematical sciences.)
.
.
.
This conversation takes approximately 3 mins....
My Jap oral...was not much of a horror...
but wasn't idea though...

Lol...to think i go all the way to go to sch at 7pm for this... i was in state of shock after oral loh...
Haha...too nervous...nv so nervous for oral before!!

Anyway, this is the first time i went to sch for only a few mins and left the sch for home...
Lol...if my index no. is not 20!! then no need to take oral during dinner time!! haha...
Although all the trouble...jap lang(にほご) is still a veri interesting(おもしろい) ! だいすきです！

I have 3 papers this coming week...hoho...3/4 of my papers gone... will be a stress week sia...
And more baby distractions as usual...haha..

Baby Maddness

Kawaiiiii neh!!!

Hehe...This are shots of chloe which i took during the 1 week study break :)
See she spread her hands like titanic!!
Haha...cos she's bored... wans to be carried & played with!!

She pro at chewing yr toy fish, pulling my hair (why kids like to pull my hair?) & grab my specs :)

She is known as the kan cheong baby haha!!
can fight with KY loh...
The way she drinks milk...hai...so kan cheong... until choke loh...then cry... But super cute gal :)



So tempted to bite her...haha...cos so much flesh.... She can smile alot but show you bo chap face when she moody... Make you feel like an idiot making weird faces...haha.... Kapo Queen also!! read news paper, watch tv & listen to all our conversations....(she does give some sort of feedback too...haha)



More Kawai photos!

Now I want a baby too!!
How? Must wait long long....

Veri Shaggy day!!

Quakie...feeling quite miserable as i write now....
Got home bout 6.45a.m from Sl's house today.... took another short nap
woke at 8.45 to take a shower...then off to church...
Lol...my parents overslept so when for service at paya lebar...cos start at 11.30...
Surprisingly, I was quite awake sia.... & my throat is starting to give way
then went to my xiao ku's house for lunch...
lots of ppl man...watch a bit of a hongkong film call mad detective...
quite interesting... the show a bit abstract haha...cos need to use brain one!!!

After eating...veri tired liao... finally got home...must iron clothes while my sis slack around
wanted to sleep but need to go to my ah yi's place for dinner...she is treating us...
cos she got good bonus this year... hai...only took a half an hr nap...
woke up totally restless, tired & my throat hurts 2 times more & i feel like an alto!!!
Didn't have much appetite... even crabs is not appealing to mean...
sob...didn't touch the crabs, the chilli can kill my voice totally!!

Conclusion the new year holiday is more tiring then expected lol...

Long day!

Yeah...new year's coming!! haha...with the holidays come more HW!!
Anyway, I meet Hui Xuan yesterday:)
After so long...haha...I went party world at clementi...
the place is like almost deserted le.... not much ppl...
I even got lost when i went to the toilet loh...
Haha...cos some rooms they didnt open up...no lights loh...so scary...lol
Then, rush down to give tutor my cousin...
Quack!! Haha...my aunt pass me so much money...
Too bad more than have is not mine...lol
My aunt called before i came...
& she jus go....
$200 is for the $2 new notes (which my mom ask me to change for her)
$200 is for my grandma
$58 is for my mom (items she bought using my mom's supplymentary card)
$52 is for the new year goodies tat my mom help her bought...
& $200 for the tuition fee...

LOL...nobody told me i need to collect money loh...
Haha...I'm like part time delivery man...
1 pack of bagua to my aunts place
then, transport money & a pack of dried mushrooms back :)

So I went to this fashion after tuition at amk... quite big
got lots & lots of ppl... First time i see so many guys at this fashion
Haha...so i lug lots of money to shopping...lucky didnt get rob:)
Manged to get 2 dresses...1 red & 1 green... CNY vs Hari Raya!
too bad couldnt find a nice pink dress...

Happy Chinese New Year!!

Quakie... This year's Chinese new feels different! Everything became more ex!! Ba gua also...
Demand also increase like siao!! Can't believe tat so many ppl changing for new $2 notes... I went notes hunting for the pass few days man! all notes out by noon...horrible loh...i went to the more popular banks lah...like OCBC & DBS... but i went last year also leh... but in the evening still have... this year's demand hor...aiyooo...

Hai, this month is filled with more disappointment than i though would be... hmmm... isst true that when people are strip of ogbligations & responsibilities...excuses would jus go away or lame excuses will replace those excuses which are carefully planned so that we cannot avoid those responsiblities...

Yeah & lastly a Grateful thanks to SL for helping my dad! Thank you so much:)

The New old me....

Hoho....suddenly feel like writing some think....
Hmmm...didnt update on KL trip...haven upload photos...
too lazy le but anyway the other ah siaos did a great job in reporting the KL trip...hehe...

I have a feeling that this year...there will be many changes...
Anticipating to go HK...to experience something new...
to watch ppl around me...

I think maybe i have the it's time to grow up feeling...
I think about what i do, how i feel, more & more each day...
Sometimes, i wish to lead a more thinkin free life....
like when i was younger...not afraid to dream big dreams...
Now, i view life differently... also maybe i tend to see more of the ugly side of this world
no more happily ever after stories...but i wonder why i still day dream so much...lol...
Starting to lose control of wad i eat too...haha...


New year resolutions??
Good food?
better grades?
peaceful life?
breaking out of comfort zone??